What We Thought Would Be

10 months. That's how long it's been since we starting ttc.  That's how many months we've mourned, yelled, cried, and hoped even when we didn't want to. 10 months ago I told myself, "next summer I'll have a baby! Next June I'll get to hold my baby in my arms."

Little did I know that "next June" (which happens to be only days away) would not only yeild empty arms, but also an empty womb, and an even emptier heart.

I know Jesus is holding us, but it'd be nice to feel it in a physical sense. Right now there only seems to be emptiness and hurt.

We could use a little hope right now.

The Results Are In!

I met with the NP at my OB/GYN office yesterday afternoon and was told its just fibrocystic tissue!  (In her words, I have cauliflower boobs :)  The lump I found and the pain are just the tissue that I already have being stretched and exacerbated by the hormones.

I have to go back in in 3-4 weeks for a recheck just to make sure there's no change. But I'm so relieved, that I would go back as many times as neccessary :)

Thank you for your prayers!!

B&B

Another Hurdle

I think I've breifly touched on this before, but Dr. D thinks I may have a progesterone deficiency (which could be a reason for infertility). So, he put me on progesterone supplements.

Like any hormone, with progesterone there are a plethora of side effects... all of which I seem to be expericing (For those of you who've seen me recently, yes, this is why I have the face of a 14 year old.... my acne is terrible from this medicine!!)

This morning, I though, I found a lump. I called my RE and they told me to contact my OB/GYN. I have to go in for an appointment tomorrow.

I know this is putting the cart way before the horse; but, if it ends up being more than just fibrous tissue, I'll most likely have to stop all progesterone... forever. Which then means that my progesterone deficiency won't be fixed; which means I won't be able to have a viable pregnancy.

We'd really appreciate your prayers on this. I feel like we keep getting beaten down again and again.

Counting My Blessings

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for Your blessings!! They are more numerous than I can begin to count! Thank you for my husband; my best friend, my partner, and my love. Thank you for my family; their love, encouragement, and support. Thank you for my friends; their prayers, laughter, and hugs. Thank you for "our girls." that their parents have shared them with us. That we get to love them as if they were our own. Thank you for sunshine and rain; for coffee and chocolate. For the breeze blowing through the trees. For your provision; that we've never lacked for anything; that You have always provided for our needs. For sending your Son to die to me! For being in control; for having a plan and a purpose for our lives. For the struggles You bring us through because they draw us closer to You. Thank You for breaking us. For showing us the truth and loving us even though we are unlovable. You've blessed me in more ways that I can count. And You are more than enough!


This song is from one of my all time favorite movies. It reminds to remember all the blessings I already have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djrZJiIkRJM&feature=related

Bad Days

Today was one of those bad days where everything goes from great to awful.

It started out fine. I had breakfast with a dear friend that I don't get to see very often. And by breakfast I mean we talked from 9:30am until 1:15pm! Clearly we had a lot to catch up on. It was a very encouraging conversation, and she's able to relate to some of my feelings, which is definitely helpful.

We also booked our vacation for Disney World! B and I went there on our honeymoon back in May and again with his family in January and are now going again in September... we're slightly addicted. This time will be even more exciting though as we're bringing our best friends and their adorable daughters (who are currently 2 and 8 months).  We know they won't remember the trip, but the memories are more for us. :)

Then things went downhill.... I got the mail this morning and amongst all the junk was a rejection letter from a credit card company. I had applied for a Disney rewards card thinking we could take advantage of some of the perks on our upcoming trip... obviously not!  The rejection letter said that I didn't have enough credit history for them to approve my application.

Basically, because B and I have always tried to budget and be aware of how we spend our money (which started long before we even knew each other) we haven't been able to build any credit. We don't borrow money, only use cash/debit cards, and therefore, have no credit. So, once again, by trying to do things the right way, we get screwed!

This then had a snowball effect. I proceeded to start yelling (and even throwing a few things) because I was convinced that no matter how hard we try to do things right, or follow God's teaching, we'll never succeed.

By not going into debt or taking out loans, we have no credit. By not having credit, we'll have to wait even longer to buy a house. By not having a house, we'll outgrow our apartment... Oh wait!! No we won't because we don't have any children! And the way it feels in this moment we never will.

Which brings me to the next phase of my hormonal and overtired rant:  Why did we even bother to save ourselves for marriage? Why didn't we just do things like everyone else? They all get to be parents... and yet, we tried to follow God's design for marriage and we can't get pregnant. We've already spent over $2200 on appointments and tests and prescriptions and we aren't any closer to having a baby than we were before we got married.

I know life isn't fair, I know God has a plan in all of this. Ever since starting this blog, I've tried to word things in a way that isn't hurtful or bitter, but, this is my blog, and I'm going to write about how I feel.

I'm tired of being around immature, self-centered parents. I'm tired of standing in line at the grocery store with a mom screaming at her kids in front of me and another mom ignoring her children in line behind me. I'm tired of seeing pregnant 16 year olds. I'm tired of having people complain about their children to me. I'm tired of parents who are always pushing their children on to the next stage, rather than treasuring the precious time they have with their baby. I'm tired of people saying things like, "It must be nice to sleep in on Saturday." and "I wish I could go on vacation."

BECAUSE GUESS WHAT!

I would trade all the money, all the cars, all the vacations, all the sleep in the world to be able to hold my own baby in my arms. To stay up with my crying baby when he's sick. To change my clothes three times a day because she keeps throwing up on me. To go a week without showering because my baby wants me to hold him.

DO NOT complain to me about your baby. Would you give up your baby FOREVER just for a weekend in Traverse City? Or a new car? Or a extra hour of sleep every night? No, you wouldn't. Those are things. A baby is a life; a precious gift that will forever belong to you. So don't you dare tell me you wish you had something I have. How dare you insult me and make me feel bad when you have the one thing.. the only thing I've every wanted in this life.

what NOT to say

Tomorrow marks an important day for B and me. One year ago from tomorrow, I made a promise to my best friend; to love, respect, and honor him, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

Over the last year, we've had times of struggle and times of joy; we've experienced anger, but a lot more joy; and we've experience sickness and health. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the amazing man God brought into my life. B was perfectly created for me and I wouldn't change any of the experiences we've had together because those experiences, whether full of joy or pain, have made us into who we are.

Tomorrow is also Mother's Day. A day where I will be reminded, again, that I am not a mother. While I still have so many reasons to be thankful, tomorrow will be bitter sweet for me. When I get to church and they ask if I need a flower... I'll have to say no.

Recently, I had a friend tell me she wasn't really sure what she was allowed to say to me. At first I was kind of annoyed... but as I thought about it I realized that was a fair way to feel. She wants to be able to feel for me and talk to me about what I'm going through, but is so afraid of offending or hurting me that she's scared to say anything at all. I found this a while back on a blog that I follow and thought I'd repost it here. I hope this helps explain how certain comments can be, unintentially, hurtful to people dealing with infertility. And I did just copy and paste this, not write it myself.

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

· They will eventually conceive a baby.

· They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.

· They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.


Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Nothing Yet

While our Dr's appointment went well, we still have nothing to report... just a lot to decide and think about.

I knew that by starting this blog I was inviting people into a normally private area of our lives and would thus face many questions and comments, which are genuinely appreciated, but will probably not be answered.

Here's the thing. We are so incredibly thankful and blessed by all our your prayers and encouragement and appreciate that you're all on this journey with us! However, we've decided not to publicly announce what we decide to do... at least not yet. It's not because we don't want people to know or we want to be secretive... we just feel like there are certain things we'd like to keep private for a while.

One of the big reasons for this decision is this:  If/When we decide to proceed with an IUI or any other treatment options, we don't want everyone to start asking us 2 weeks later if we're pregnant or not. What if we're not? We don't really want to continue to live our disappointment over and over and over. If an IUI does work, we know that miscarriages are more common than anyone wants to admit, and we don't want to annouce a pregnancy prematurly.

We hope no one is offend by our decision. Its not out of a desire to be secretive or sneaky... a lot of it has to do with our emotional stability... and the fact that we have very little to begin with at this point in time. We have made this decision so that we will able to either celebrate or grieve in our own way and time before making any type of announcements.

As of right this moment, we still do not know when we'll be moving forward, but when we're ready to share, I promise we will. That doesn't mean I won't continue to blog... I'm positive I'll still have plenty to write about. 

If any of you has a specific question, we welcome it, but just know that we may not answer it directly.

Thank you again for your love and support. We never imagined that we would have so many people praying for us and Baby D.

B&B

Quick Update

We just wanted to quickly thank all of you who have been encouraging us the last few days. We appreciate your support, insight, and love and can feel your prayers.

We've decided to not decide anything........... yet.

We want to wait until we talk to the doctor tomorrow and have the repeat ultrasound before making any final decisions. We're still weighing the pros and cons of proceeding with an IUI immediately, waiting another month, or waiting until September (which was what we were both thinking was going to happen before we went into the appointment on Monday).

We'd greatly appreciate your continued prayers as we prepare to meet with the Dr. tomorrow. We don't want to get our hopes up only to be disappointed; we don't' want to miss a possible opportunity; and we don't want to rush into this just because we want it. We truly want this to happen in God's timing and would covet your prayers on that specific topic. That God would show us a clear direction to take.

B&B

Overwhelmed

There is no other word to describe how we are feeling right now.

This morning I had my cd14 ultrasound, which I was told was just to check egg quality. The ultrasound was done by an RN in the Dr's office. She walked in the room and asked if anyone had called us regarding the SA results (which they hadn't) so I immediately got nervous. This is how our appointment started,

Nurse: "well, numbers and motility are good, but morphology is poor. So, depending on the maturity of your egg, we can proceed with an insemination today."

Huh???

Fortunately, I've been reading up on infertility and have been following many blogs so I know what she's talking about, but didn't anticipate that at all! Without waiting for us to respond she shoves (literally) the ultrasound "wand" in me and says, "Well, the right side has a couple follicles (eggs) but none of those are mature, so let's hope the left side has a mature one."

Wow, way to have a comforting bed-side manner.

"oh, there's one that's maturing. It's only 15mm though, so it's not ready yet. We'll repeat the ultrasound when you come in Wednesday to see Dr. D and then he can decide when to do the IUI. It's possible he'll give you a trigger shot to do at home to induce ovulation so we can time your insemination."

I'm going to give all of a you a courtesy our nurse did not give us, Background information.

What all of this means is that while B's sperm are plentiful and speedy, they're shaped wrong. In his words, "They're shaped like hammerhead sharks instead of tadpols" :)  This means that only 4% of 1,000,000 of his sperm are capable of fertilization. Not super great odds, which is why they often recommend an IUI (intrauterine insemination) to get the sperm as close to the egg as possible.

Also, since my maturing follicle is only 15mm, and to be considered fully mature is should be at least 18mm and typically is about 20-24mm by the time of ovulation, I probably won't ovulate for another 2-4 days.  This is the reason for the possible use of the trigger shot. This is an injection I'd give myself in my abdomen and it would cause me to ovulate within 30-36 hours so that an IUI could be timed perfectly.

Something I'm concerned about, that the nurse didn't touch on at all, is the fact that I'm ovulating so late in my cycle. Today is already day 14, if I don't ovulate until day 18, the chances of me being able to have a viable pregnancy (assuming the IUI worked) would be very slim. A woman's luteal phase (the time between ovulation and start of menstration) needs to be at least 10 days (minimum) for implantation to occur. And my cycle, more than likely, won't be that long.

Luckily, there are treatment options for short luteal phases. I believe the most common is progesterone suppositories (yuck!) because the elevated progesterone is necessary to lenghthen the luteal phase.

Sorry for all of the medical ramblings, I just wanted to explain what everything means and I know it would have been nice for us for the nurse to have made sure we had all this information.

At the very end of the appointment, I think she could tell we looked overwhelmed because she said, "Well, if you feel this is moving to quickly you could always see what happens naturally this cycle and then do the IUI next cycle. And, if you decided to wait then Dr. D could start you on clomid too."

Side note: Clomid is a prescription medication that causes a woman's ovaries to produce multiple follicles so she can ovulate multiple eggs, thereby increasing the chances of conception (and yes, it does increase the odds of conceiving multiples).

When we got in the car we just sat there staring blankly. Neither one of us knew what to say. After a few minutes I started explaining to B what all everything ment... We're still trying to decide what to think and how to feel.

We weren't planning on having the option of any treatments this month. This appointment was supposed to just be an ultrasound to check egg quality and now they're saying we could be doing an IUI in 2 days. I figured, with it being day 14, I'd have already ovulated or be about to ovulate thereby making any treatment options impossible.... apparently not though.

I have to go back in this afternoon for some routine bloodwork because they want everything done prior to my consult on Wednesday so that we can move forward, if we decide to.

Sorry this post is so long, it's just nice to be able to put everything down in words to process it.

B and I have a lot to think about between now and Wednesday.

Update

It seems its time for me to update you all on our progress.

So, the HSG... It didn't start off very good.... The test was done at the hospital rather than the Dr.'s office; so we were told to be there by 7:30am for registration. We signed in at 7:27am and were not called back to register until 7:55am. When I gave the woman at the registration desk my name, date of birth, and reason for checking in, she looked up at me and said, "oh, well, your appointment was cancelled. It looks like it was rescheduled for the 8th of May."

WHAT!!!??! I could feel the steam coming out of my ears!

I tried to stay calm though and said, "No one told me it was cancelled. And I cannot do it on the 8th because its based on cycle days (it has to be done between days 5-10 and today is day 10) so this is my last day to do it this month."

"Well, I can call and see if they can fit you in, otherwise you'll have to reschedule for next month."

NEXT MONTH!?? Are you kidding me!!

While she was calling back to the radiology department, my bloodpressure was getting higher and higher. I don't want to wait until next month! I feel like 8 1/2 months is long enough to wait to know if there's a problem. And why didn't anyone call me to tell me the appointment had been canceled!?

There is good news though! The nurses and radiology tech were very understanding and apparently told the registration woman it was unacceptable for me to have to wait another month and they would do the test immediately! :)

And they weren't kidding. As soon as I finished signing my name on a thousand different consent forms, the tech came out to get me and bring me to the room.

I fully expected this proceedure to 100% incapacitate me for the remainder of the day. Since I was told to be on antibiotics and 800mg of Ibuprofen and have a ride home "just in case," I was VERY nervous to have this proceedure done.

Lisa, the nurse doing the test was amazing! I explained my concerns, especially surrounding my history with vaginismus. (I'll let google explain that one to you, but I haven't had any issues since going through 5 months of physical therapy before we got married). Lisa looked at me, smiled and said, "I promise to go very slowly and I'll walk you through every step along the way. I will take care of you."

And she did! The only part that was mildly uncomfortable was when they actually injected the dye and I had some cramping. But, as soon as the test was over, I felt fine.  My wonderful husband held my hand the entire time though, just in case :)

Lisa also went over the results with me right away. In her words, "Everything looks perfect!"

YAY!! No obstructions or damage to these fallopian tubes! She said this is not our problem in ttc. Which is a huge relief considering the only way to repair those types of problems is with surgery.

Now, here I sit back at home with my cup of coffee with no pain at all!!

Thank you everyone for all of your prayers. I have gotten so many encouraging texts and notes, and I can truly feels your prayers. We have been so blessed to have our friends and family on this journey with us to offer comfort, encouragement, and shoulders to cry on and want to thank each and every one of you for your support and love.

God is truly teaching us what it means to be still and to find thanks in all cricumstances, so here are just a few things that I'm thankful for.

"Thank you heavenly Father that my proceedure went well today. Thank you that I'm not in any pain! Thank you that my wonderful husband was able to come with me this morning. Thank you for Lisa; for her patience, kindness, and understanding.Thank you for providing for us. Thank you for our friends and family who are always looking for ways to love and encourage us. Thank you for teaching us how to just be and how to find joy in our circumstances.Thank you for all of the children you've put in my life that I get to love and spoil. Thank you for the beautiful weather. Thank you for my cup of coffee.  AndThank you that I have the rest of the day to relax and enjoy all of Your abundant blessings."