Here Goes Nothing....

Where do I begin....

I've debated started a blog for a couple of months now. It's helped me a lot on my journey to follow along with others going through the same thing and, quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of people asking me the ever so common question of "So, when are you guys going to have kids?" So here it is....

B and I have been married since May 2011. One of the many reasons I fell in love with him was because he wanted to be a parent as much as I did. After a lot of talking and praying, we decided to start trying to get pregnant in September 2011. We didn't exactly make our decision public because we didn't want to deal with the comments about how we hadn't been married long enough.  The first and second month it didn't happen, we were disappointed; but having experience in the medical field, I know its not uncommon to take a couple months; however, since I hadn't been on BC we figured it'd happen pretty quickly.

And yet, here we are, 6 months later, and still nothing. We've gone from disappointed to devastated and at times, absolutley hopeless. I know, I know, I know 6 months really isn't that long.... But it's long to me. My entire life all I've ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. It's the only thing I've ever felt God calling me to do. What people don't, and can't, understand is that every single month when I find out I'm not pregnant I grieve. I'm not just sad and disappointment, I'm filled with overwhelming sorrow. I grieve the loss of another child I'll never get to know. Another baby I'll never get to experience grow inside me and hold in my arms; a child to shower with kisses and console when they cry. It's more than wanting to be pregnant; it's wanting to be a Mommy and longing for all the good and bad things that come with that.

So, why the blog? Well, as I mentioned before, now that we've been married for 9 months, we're getting questions about when we're going to have kids, and how we should "hurry up and have babies." While I know that people mean well with these comments and that it's the natural question to ask a young married couple, what they don't know is that every time someone asks me one of these questions, a little part of my heart breaks.

It's not that we're waiting until we have the money, or want a house first, or are on a 5 year plan... We just can't seem to get pregnant and those questions and comments are a constant reminder of what I don't have but so desperately long for.

And worse off, how do you tell people something like this?  When they ask how I'm doing do I say, "Terrible, I can't get pregnant and I'm absolutely terrified that I never will." Somehow I doubt that response would go over well.... it would probably just lead to a really long, awkward silence or yet another comment like "well, you haven't been married long, and you're young, you've got plenty of time."

Let me just say, that comments like that are just as terrible as "when are you going to have a baby." They down play the struggle and pain that I'm experiencing and make me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. 

That's why I decided to start this blog. I want the people that care about us to know and understand what we're going through; but I also want to be able express what I'm feeling without making people feel like they need to say something to fix it. I know that you can't fix it, I know that God has a plan and His timing is perfect; but, frankly, waiting is the pits!

So, what's next? 

Well, since we've "only" been trying for 6 months, my OB won't do anything... you need to have tried for at least a year before they'll even think about doing anything. I can't do that though. Every month I feel more defeated and hopeless. One of my greatest fears is that we'll try for 6 more months without success and then be told that we couldn't have gotten pregnant on our own anyways and  I am so not okay with that! We have an appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) on April 20th and would appreciate your prayers and support as we get closer to that appointment. B and I both struggle with being fearful that we're the "reason" we can't get pregnant. While we've agreed we can't play the "blame-game," it's only natural to wonder.

And one last note, don't feel like you have to tip-toe around the topic of children all together, but maybe this will make you a little more aware before you ask another couple when they're going to start having babies.

If you've successfully read this entire post, thank you. I know it's a lot to take in, and I don't know if it was the best way to tell you, but it's the only way I could come up with that didn't involve me bursting into tears in front of you. B and I want to thank you in advance for your support, encouragement, and prayers as we go through this journey of trying to get pregnant.