Defeated.

That's how I feel right now.

I feel like I've been fighting and hoping and praying only to feel devastated and defeated.

I hate how emotions take us on such wild rollercoasters. I was in a good mood all day; B went to bed before me and when I went to get ready for bed I lost it. I just started sobbing. The kind of crying where you can barely catch your breath; your stomach is doing flips; and your heart feels like its shattering into a million tiny pieces.

For those of you that don't know, I volunteer at MOPS (Mom's of preschoolers) twice a week in the 2-year old nursery. I signed up back in September as a way to get my "baby fix."  I've loved watching these precious kids grow. To watch their vocabulary expand; their fine-motor skills develop; and to watch them interact with one another has been so much fun. But, now it's getting harder. I still absolutely adore the kids in my class (I think there at about 15 of them now!) but sometimes I feel like I'm being cheated.

All but two of the fifteen kids in my nursery have siblings; some older, some younger, but siblings nonetheless. Half of the moms have either recently given birth or are pregnant. At first, I thought it was neat and I couldn't wait to be a part of it; not now. Now I feel like it's just another reminder that I don't have a baby. And it's even more frustrated to find out that many of the recent births and pregnancies have been "unplanned."  Why don't you just rub it in!

Its not anyone elses' fault. But if someone could please explain to me how this makes any sense, I'd greatly appreciate it. And, to be frank, I don't want the "Because God's timing is perfect." "God's got something bigger and better in store for you." "He knows the desires of your heart, and He gave them to you for a reason."

I know all those things just as well as you do, but right now I'm having a hard time believing them. I know this post is in no way uplifting or encouraging, but its how I'm feeling; and I'm not going to pretend to be ok when I feel like my world is unraveling.

I don't have any hope right now. My faith is dwindling. I feel defeated.