Time Out

After seven months of ttc (trying to conceive), seven months of disappointment, and seven months of broken hearts, B and I have decided to pick up and go on a vacation!

Neither one of us is spontaneous by nature, so this will be quite the adventure. We're going with our wonderful, dear friends Mike and Beth who have been graciously walking with us on this journey. 

Here's to whatever the next 4 days brings and to whatever God has planned for our future

Defeated.

That's how I feel right now.

I feel like I've been fighting and hoping and praying only to feel devastated and defeated.

I hate how emotions take us on such wild rollercoasters. I was in a good mood all day; B went to bed before me and when I went to get ready for bed I lost it. I just started sobbing. The kind of crying where you can barely catch your breath; your stomach is doing flips; and your heart feels like its shattering into a million tiny pieces.

For those of you that don't know, I volunteer at MOPS (Mom's of preschoolers) twice a week in the 2-year old nursery. I signed up back in September as a way to get my "baby fix."  I've loved watching these precious kids grow. To watch their vocabulary expand; their fine-motor skills develop; and to watch them interact with one another has been so much fun. But, now it's getting harder. I still absolutely adore the kids in my class (I think there at about 15 of them now!) but sometimes I feel like I'm being cheated.

All but two of the fifteen kids in my nursery have siblings; some older, some younger, but siblings nonetheless. Half of the moms have either recently given birth or are pregnant. At first, I thought it was neat and I couldn't wait to be a part of it; not now. Now I feel like it's just another reminder that I don't have a baby. And it's even more frustrated to find out that many of the recent births and pregnancies have been "unplanned."  Why don't you just rub it in!

Its not anyone elses' fault. But if someone could please explain to me how this makes any sense, I'd greatly appreciate it. And, to be frank, I don't want the "Because God's timing is perfect." "God's got something bigger and better in store for you." "He knows the desires of your heart, and He gave them to you for a reason."

I know all those things just as well as you do, but right now I'm having a hard time believing them. I know this post is in no way uplifting or encouraging, but its how I'm feeling; and I'm not going to pretend to be ok when I feel like my world is unraveling.

I don't have any hope right now. My faith is dwindling. I feel defeated.

Spring is in the Air

Every day this week I've had to remind myself that it's only March! It's been unusually sunny and warm for a March in Michigan; usually we're still up to our ankles in snow. I love waking up with the sun pouring in through my window and the birds outside singing. One of my favorite things about this time of year is having all my windows open; my house smells clean and fresh and I LOVE it!

This week had been pretty good. Our dear friends had a major health scare with their 6 month old daughter and were told that she might have hydrocephalus. It was an incredibly rough 24 hours, but we're praising God because everything is normal! The poor little thing just has a big head.:) As a result of her needing testing, I got to spend an entire day with my beautiful 2 year old "niece." Everything about her (and her adorable baby sister) brings me joy. She calls me "ah bucky." And all day she walked around our apartment saying, "Ah Bucky, where are you?" "Ah Bucky what you doing?" "Ah Bucky do it?"  "Help ah bucky, eese?"

She likes to cook at our house. She takes every soup can, dressing bottle, and box of rice/noodles out of my pantry and pretends to pour them into a plastic mixing bowl to make "soup" which she proceeds to feed to all the stuffed animals. Its the sweetest thing to watch her imagination.

It felt right. It felt like that's exactly what my life is supposed to be. Sitting on the floor doing puzzles, cooking "soup," coloring, reading books, all of it. It felt right to have a child need me and want to spend every moment with me doing what I was doing. Then I had a moment of sadness when I realized that's not my life; but God is good and He gave me hope. Hope for my own future. That if I can love my "niece" this much, imagine the joy and love I'll feel for my own child. I have hope that B and I will have our own child.

This weather has reminded me that God gives life. As everything turns green and people start planting their gardens, I'm reminded that He is the giver of life and He makes all things new!

B bought himself a new motorcycle today; a 1998 Honda Shadow American Edition. :) I haven't seen him this excited about something in a long time!

I hope you all have a beautiful blessed weekend!

B&B

Wow!

(Sorry, this will probably be another long post...)

I want to thank each and every person who's read our blog. B and I have been so blessed by the number of messages and comments we've received and have felt more peace about where we are at; we can truly feel your prayers.

One of the most amazing things happened since starting this blog; I've had at least 4 different women contact me saying that they're going through the same thing and each of them thanked me for my blog... I never thought this would be something anyone would thank me for... All of these women have been faced with the same questions and comments as us; they've been secretly hurting and every month, every day, every moment they feel that a piece of them is missing. It breaks my heart to know that other couples are suffering through this as well; but at the same time, it's incredibly encouraging to know that we're not alone and that there are other couples who actually understand how we're feeling.

This isn't where I saw my life at this point in time. I thought I'd be 6 months pregnant by now and getting ready for my summer baby to be born. But it isn't up to me. This isn't where I'd ever choose to be. But if God's plan for us right now is to be used as a source of encouragement, then so be it. I don't have to be happy about this; but I can choose to be joyful.

I remember as a kid listening to Adventures in Odyssey, I absolutely loved it! One of the stories I've always remembered is based on the passage James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you're faced with trials and temptations. For the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so you may be mature and complete. Not lacking anything." 

The idea in this particular episode of Adventures in Odyssey is that the main character learns there's a difference between happiness and joy. I read once that joy is the God-given, overwhemling confidence that all is well, despite your circumstances. Joy is to know that even if nothing changed about my circumstances and life continued on just like this, that life on this earth isn't the "end" of the story.

I'm far from "happy" about where my life is at right now. This isn't what I envisioned for my future, I'm still going to get upset, I'm going to cry, I'm going to be disappointed, and I'm going to question "why me?"

But I know Who holds my future and I have joy in that. I'm going to choose to rejoice and praise Him who has chosen to use me as a source of encouragement to others.


I had a rough night tonight. I had a great dinner with an old friend and on the way home, this song came on and I lost it. I sat in my car sobbing for almost 30min. (You listen and tell me if it doesn't make you cry) Until all of the lyrics sunk in.... "I will praise the One who's chosen me..."  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc

We have been truly blessed by each of you and are in awe of your encouragement and love and we greatly appreciate your comments and support!

B&B

Here Goes Nothing....

Where do I begin....

I've debated started a blog for a couple of months now. It's helped me a lot on my journey to follow along with others going through the same thing and, quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of people asking me the ever so common question of "So, when are you guys going to have kids?" So here it is....

B and I have been married since May 2011. One of the many reasons I fell in love with him was because he wanted to be a parent as much as I did. After a lot of talking and praying, we decided to start trying to get pregnant in September 2011. We didn't exactly make our decision public because we didn't want to deal with the comments about how we hadn't been married long enough.  The first and second month it didn't happen, we were disappointed; but having experience in the medical field, I know its not uncommon to take a couple months; however, since I hadn't been on BC we figured it'd happen pretty quickly.

And yet, here we are, 6 months later, and still nothing. We've gone from disappointed to devastated and at times, absolutley hopeless. I know, I know, I know 6 months really isn't that long.... But it's long to me. My entire life all I've ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. It's the only thing I've ever felt God calling me to do. What people don't, and can't, understand is that every single month when I find out I'm not pregnant I grieve. I'm not just sad and disappointment, I'm filled with overwhelming sorrow. I grieve the loss of another child I'll never get to know. Another baby I'll never get to experience grow inside me and hold in my arms; a child to shower with kisses and console when they cry. It's more than wanting to be pregnant; it's wanting to be a Mommy and longing for all the good and bad things that come with that.

So, why the blog? Well, as I mentioned before, now that we've been married for 9 months, we're getting questions about when we're going to have kids, and how we should "hurry up and have babies." While I know that people mean well with these comments and that it's the natural question to ask a young married couple, what they don't know is that every time someone asks me one of these questions, a little part of my heart breaks.

It's not that we're waiting until we have the money, or want a house first, or are on a 5 year plan... We just can't seem to get pregnant and those questions and comments are a constant reminder of what I don't have but so desperately long for.

And worse off, how do you tell people something like this?  When they ask how I'm doing do I say, "Terrible, I can't get pregnant and I'm absolutely terrified that I never will." Somehow I doubt that response would go over well.... it would probably just lead to a really long, awkward silence or yet another comment like "well, you haven't been married long, and you're young, you've got plenty of time."

Let me just say, that comments like that are just as terrible as "when are you going to have a baby." They down play the struggle and pain that I'm experiencing and make me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. 

That's why I decided to start this blog. I want the people that care about us to know and understand what we're going through; but I also want to be able express what I'm feeling without making people feel like they need to say something to fix it. I know that you can't fix it, I know that God has a plan and His timing is perfect; but, frankly, waiting is the pits!

So, what's next? 

Well, since we've "only" been trying for 6 months, my OB won't do anything... you need to have tried for at least a year before they'll even think about doing anything. I can't do that though. Every month I feel more defeated and hopeless. One of my greatest fears is that we'll try for 6 more months without success and then be told that we couldn't have gotten pregnant on our own anyways and  I am so not okay with that! We have an appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) on April 20th and would appreciate your prayers and support as we get closer to that appointment. B and I both struggle with being fearful that we're the "reason" we can't get pregnant. While we've agreed we can't play the "blame-game," it's only natural to wonder.

And one last note, don't feel like you have to tip-toe around the topic of children all together, but maybe this will make you a little more aware before you ask another couple when they're going to start having babies.

If you've successfully read this entire post, thank you. I know it's a lot to take in, and I don't know if it was the best way to tell you, but it's the only way I could come up with that didn't involve me bursting into tears in front of you. B and I want to thank you in advance for your support, encouragement, and prayers as we go through this journey of trying to get pregnant.