One Week

Well, our appointment is one week away. Right now I'm feeling a mix of fear and excitement.

I'm anxious to move to the next step of starting our family; what that means... I have no idea. From the research I've done, the first appointment with the RE is a really long review of our health history. I think they also order testing, but I'm not sure. The not knowing what to expect adds to my fear of going.

Right now I'm truly just a big pile of mixed emotions. Part of me hopes they find "something" to explain why we're not getting pregnant; not because I want there to be a problem, but because I've found the worst thing about any health issue is when the doctor looks at you and says, "I don't know why."

On the other hand, it'd be really nice if the doctor said, "everything is perfectly normal." It'd be nice to know we haven't been trying for the last 7 1/2 months only to find out that we never would have been able to get pregnant on our own.

Ideally, we'll walk in, they'll do some initially testing and say, "you don't need to be here, you're already pregnant!"  (Not likely!)

B and I have been in this together, 100%  since we started ttc. I know he wants a baby as much as I do; but yesterday, for the first time, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, "I really just want to be a daddy."

It almost broke my heart. It made me happy to know that he wants to raise a child with me. But what if I can't give him that?

this next part I say with all respect; Please don't ask or say anything about adoption.

Adoption is an incredible thing! I have no opposition to it whatsoever, and the parents who do it are amazing. But, Bob and I are not there yet. In all honesty, I want my own baby. A baby with Bob's blue/green eyes, and my dimples.  Adoption is a process. Not just in the sense of the amount of preparation, money, and paperwork. But, especially for people who are having trouble conceiving, it is part of a process of grief. In order for Bob and I to move towards adoption, we'd have to mourn and grieve the possibility of having our own child. We'd have to be willing to move beyond that longing and change our focus. If we do adopt someday, I know we would love that child just as if I'd carried him/her in my womb. But we're just not there yet.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. That certainly isn't my intention, and I don't mean to be insensitive. But when I tell people we're having difficulty conceiving, they often respond with, "well, couldn't you just adopt?" And while their intentions are good, it hurts. Adoption should never be a "just." I believe it's a calling. Something God calls you to do as a parent. And we don't feel that calling; at least not yet.