We just wanted to quickly thank all of you who have been encouraging us the last few days. We appreciate your support, insight, and love and can feel your prayers.
We've decided to not decide anything........... yet.
We want to wait until we talk to the doctor tomorrow and have the repeat ultrasound before making any final decisions. We're still weighing the pros and cons of proceeding with an IUI immediately, waiting another month, or waiting until September (which was what we were both thinking was going to happen before we went into the appointment on Monday).
We'd greatly appreciate your continued prayers as we prepare to meet with the Dr. tomorrow. We don't want to get our hopes up only to be disappointed; we don't' want to miss a possible opportunity; and we don't want to rush into this just because we want it. We truly want this to happen in God's timing and would covet your prayers on that specific topic. That God would show us a clear direction to take.
B&B
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Overwhelmed
There is no other word to describe how we are feeling right now.
This morning I had my cd14 ultrasound, which I was told was just to check egg quality. The ultrasound was done by an RN in the Dr's office. She walked in the room and asked if anyone had called us regarding the SA results (which they hadn't) so I immediately got nervous. This is how our appointment started,
Nurse: "well, numbers and motility are good, but morphology is poor. So, depending on the maturity of your egg, we can proceed with an insemination today."
Huh???
Fortunately, I've been reading up on infertility and have been following many blogs so I know what she's talking about, but didn't anticipate that at all! Without waiting for us to respond she shoves (literally) the ultrasound "wand" in me and says, "Well, the right side has a couple follicles (eggs) but none of those are mature, so let's hope the left side has a mature one."
Wow, way to have a comforting bed-side manner.
"oh, there's one that's maturing. It's only 15mm though, so it's not ready yet. We'll repeat the ultrasound when you come in Wednesday to see Dr. D and then he can decide when to do the IUI. It's possible he'll give you a trigger shot to do at home to induce ovulation so we can time your insemination."
I'm going to give all of a you a courtesy our nurse did not give us, Background information.
What all of this means is that while B's sperm are plentiful and speedy, they're shaped wrong. In his words, "They're shaped like hammerhead sharks instead of tadpols" :) This means that only 4% of 1,000,000 of his sperm are capable of fertilization. Not super great odds, which is why they often recommend an IUI (intrauterine insemination) to get the sperm as close to the egg as possible.
Also, since my maturing follicle is only 15mm, and to be considered fully mature is should be at least 18mm and typically is about 20-24mm by the time of ovulation, I probably won't ovulate for another 2-4 days. This is the reason for the possible use of the trigger shot. This is an injection I'd give myself in my abdomen and it would cause me to ovulate within 30-36 hours so that an IUI could be timed perfectly.
Something I'm concerned about, that the nurse didn't touch on at all, is the fact that I'm ovulating so late in my cycle. Today is already day 14, if I don't ovulate until day 18, the chances of me being able to have a viable pregnancy (assuming the IUI worked) would be very slim. A woman's luteal phase (the time between ovulation and start of menstration) needs to be at least 10 days (minimum) for implantation to occur. And my cycle, more than likely, won't be that long.
Luckily, there are treatment options for short luteal phases. I believe the most common is progesterone suppositories (yuck!) because the elevated progesterone is necessary to lenghthen the luteal phase.
Sorry for all of the medical ramblings, I just wanted to explain what everything means and I know it would have been nice for us for the nurse to have made sure we had all this information.
At the very end of the appointment, I think she could tell we looked overwhelmed because she said, "Well, if you feel this is moving to quickly you could always see what happens naturally this cycle and then do the IUI next cycle. And, if you decided to wait then Dr. D could start you on clomid too."
Side note: Clomid is a prescription medication that causes a woman's ovaries to produce multiple follicles so she can ovulate multiple eggs, thereby increasing the chances of conception (and yes, it does increase the odds of conceiving multiples).
When we got in the car we just sat there staring blankly. Neither one of us knew what to say. After a few minutes I started explaining to B what all everything ment... We're still trying to decide what to think and how to feel.
We weren't planning on having the option of any treatments this month. This appointment was supposed to just be an ultrasound to check egg quality and now they're saying we could be doing an IUI in 2 days. I figured, with it being day 14, I'd have already ovulated or be about to ovulate thereby making any treatment options impossible.... apparently not though.
I have to go back in this afternoon for some routine bloodwork because they want everything done prior to my consult on Wednesday so that we can move forward, if we decide to.
Sorry this post is so long, it's just nice to be able to put everything down in words to process it.
B and I have a lot to think about between now and Wednesday.
This morning I had my cd14 ultrasound, which I was told was just to check egg quality. The ultrasound was done by an RN in the Dr's office. She walked in the room and asked if anyone had called us regarding the SA results (which they hadn't) so I immediately got nervous. This is how our appointment started,
Nurse: "well, numbers and motility are good, but morphology is poor. So, depending on the maturity of your egg, we can proceed with an insemination today."
Huh???
Fortunately, I've been reading up on infertility and have been following many blogs so I know what she's talking about, but didn't anticipate that at all! Without waiting for us to respond she shoves (literally) the ultrasound "wand" in me and says, "Well, the right side has a couple follicles (eggs) but none of those are mature, so let's hope the left side has a mature one."
Wow, way to have a comforting bed-side manner.
"oh, there's one that's maturing. It's only 15mm though, so it's not ready yet. We'll repeat the ultrasound when you come in Wednesday to see Dr. D and then he can decide when to do the IUI. It's possible he'll give you a trigger shot to do at home to induce ovulation so we can time your insemination."
I'm going to give all of a you a courtesy our nurse did not give us, Background information.
What all of this means is that while B's sperm are plentiful and speedy, they're shaped wrong. In his words, "They're shaped like hammerhead sharks instead of tadpols" :) This means that only 4% of 1,000,000 of his sperm are capable of fertilization. Not super great odds, which is why they often recommend an IUI (intrauterine insemination) to get the sperm as close to the egg as possible.
Also, since my maturing follicle is only 15mm, and to be considered fully mature is should be at least 18mm and typically is about 20-24mm by the time of ovulation, I probably won't ovulate for another 2-4 days. This is the reason for the possible use of the trigger shot. This is an injection I'd give myself in my abdomen and it would cause me to ovulate within 30-36 hours so that an IUI could be timed perfectly.
Something I'm concerned about, that the nurse didn't touch on at all, is the fact that I'm ovulating so late in my cycle. Today is already day 14, if I don't ovulate until day 18, the chances of me being able to have a viable pregnancy (assuming the IUI worked) would be very slim. A woman's luteal phase (the time between ovulation and start of menstration) needs to be at least 10 days (minimum) for implantation to occur. And my cycle, more than likely, won't be that long.
Luckily, there are treatment options for short luteal phases. I believe the most common is progesterone suppositories (yuck!) because the elevated progesterone is necessary to lenghthen the luteal phase.
Sorry for all of the medical ramblings, I just wanted to explain what everything means and I know it would have been nice for us for the nurse to have made sure we had all this information.
At the very end of the appointment, I think she could tell we looked overwhelmed because she said, "Well, if you feel this is moving to quickly you could always see what happens naturally this cycle and then do the IUI next cycle. And, if you decided to wait then Dr. D could start you on clomid too."
Side note: Clomid is a prescription medication that causes a woman's ovaries to produce multiple follicles so she can ovulate multiple eggs, thereby increasing the chances of conception (and yes, it does increase the odds of conceiving multiples).
When we got in the car we just sat there staring blankly. Neither one of us knew what to say. After a few minutes I started explaining to B what all everything ment... We're still trying to decide what to think and how to feel.
We weren't planning on having the option of any treatments this month. This appointment was supposed to just be an ultrasound to check egg quality and now they're saying we could be doing an IUI in 2 days. I figured, with it being day 14, I'd have already ovulated or be about to ovulate thereby making any treatment options impossible.... apparently not though.
I have to go back in this afternoon for some routine bloodwork because they want everything done prior to my consult on Wednesday so that we can move forward, if we decide to.
Sorry this post is so long, it's just nice to be able to put everything down in words to process it.
B and I have a lot to think about between now and Wednesday.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Update
It seems its time for me to update you all on our progress.
So, the HSG... It didn't start off very good.... The test was done at the hospital rather than the Dr.'s office; so we were told to be there by 7:30am for registration. We signed in at 7:27am and were not called back to register until 7:55am. When I gave the woman at the registration desk my name, date of birth, and reason for checking in, she looked up at me and said, "oh, well, your appointment was cancelled. It looks like it was rescheduled for the 8th of May."
WHAT!!!??! I could feel the steam coming out of my ears!
I tried to stay calm though and said, "No one told me it was cancelled. And I cannot do it on the 8th because its based on cycle days (it has to be done between days 5-10 and today is day 10) so this is my last day to do it this month."
"Well, I can call and see if they can fit you in, otherwise you'll have to reschedule for next month."
NEXT MONTH!?? Are you kidding me!!
While she was calling back to the radiology department, my bloodpressure was getting higher and higher. I don't want to wait until next month! I feel like 8 1/2 months is long enough to wait to know if there's a problem. And why didn't anyone call me to tell me the appointment had been canceled!?
There is good news though! The nurses and radiology tech were very understanding and apparently told the registration woman it was unacceptable for me to have to wait another month and they would do the test immediately! :)
And they weren't kidding. As soon as I finished signing my name on a thousand different consent forms, the tech came out to get me and bring me to the room.
I fully expected this proceedure to 100% incapacitate me for the remainder of the day. Since I was told to be on antibiotics and 800mg of Ibuprofen and have a ride home "just in case," I was VERY nervous to have this proceedure done.
Lisa, the nurse doing the test was amazing! I explained my concerns, especially surrounding my history with vaginismus. (I'll let google explain that one to you, but I haven't had any issues since going through 5 months of physical therapy before we got married). Lisa looked at me, smiled and said, "I promise to go very slowly and I'll walk you through every step along the way. I will take care of you."
And she did! The only part that was mildly uncomfortable was when they actually injected the dye and I had some cramping. But, as soon as the test was over, I felt fine. My wonderful husband held my hand the entire time though, just in case :)
Lisa also went over the results with me right away. In her words, "Everything looks perfect!"
YAY!! No obstructions or damage to these fallopian tubes! She said this is not our problem in ttc. Which is a huge relief considering the only way to repair those types of problems is with surgery.
Now, here I sit back at home with my cup of coffee with no pain at all!!
Thank you everyone for all of your prayers. I have gotten so many encouraging texts and notes, and I can truly feels your prayers. We have been so blessed to have our friends and family on this journey with us to offer comfort, encouragement, and shoulders to cry on and want to thank each and every one of you for your support and love.
God is truly teaching us what it means to be still and to find thanks in all cricumstances, so here are just a few things that I'm thankful for.
"Thank you heavenly Father that my proceedure went well today. Thank you that I'm not in any pain! Thank you that my wonderful husband was able to come with me this morning. Thank you for Lisa; for her patience, kindness, and understanding.Thank you for providing for us. Thank you for our friends and family who are always looking for ways to love and encourage us. Thank you for teaching us how to just be and how to find joy in our circumstances.Thank you for all of the children you've put in my life that I get to love and spoil. Thank you for the beautiful weather. Thank you for my cup of coffee. AndThank you that I have the rest of the day to relax and enjoy all of Your abundant blessings."
So, the HSG... It didn't start off very good.... The test was done at the hospital rather than the Dr.'s office; so we were told to be there by 7:30am for registration. We signed in at 7:27am and were not called back to register until 7:55am. When I gave the woman at the registration desk my name, date of birth, and reason for checking in, she looked up at me and said, "oh, well, your appointment was cancelled. It looks like it was rescheduled for the 8th of May."
WHAT!!!??! I could feel the steam coming out of my ears!
I tried to stay calm though and said, "No one told me it was cancelled. And I cannot do it on the 8th because its based on cycle days (it has to be done between days 5-10 and today is day 10) so this is my last day to do it this month."
"Well, I can call and see if they can fit you in, otherwise you'll have to reschedule for next month."
NEXT MONTH!?? Are you kidding me!!
While she was calling back to the radiology department, my bloodpressure was getting higher and higher. I don't want to wait until next month! I feel like 8 1/2 months is long enough to wait to know if there's a problem. And why didn't anyone call me to tell me the appointment had been canceled!?
There is good news though! The nurses and radiology tech were very understanding and apparently told the registration woman it was unacceptable for me to have to wait another month and they would do the test immediately! :)
And they weren't kidding. As soon as I finished signing my name on a thousand different consent forms, the tech came out to get me and bring me to the room.
I fully expected this proceedure to 100% incapacitate me for the remainder of the day. Since I was told to be on antibiotics and 800mg of Ibuprofen and have a ride home "just in case," I was VERY nervous to have this proceedure done.
Lisa, the nurse doing the test was amazing! I explained my concerns, especially surrounding my history with vaginismus. (I'll let google explain that one to you, but I haven't had any issues since going through 5 months of physical therapy before we got married). Lisa looked at me, smiled and said, "I promise to go very slowly and I'll walk you through every step along the way. I will take care of you."
And she did! The only part that was mildly uncomfortable was when they actually injected the dye and I had some cramping. But, as soon as the test was over, I felt fine. My wonderful husband held my hand the entire time though, just in case :)
Lisa also went over the results with me right away. In her words, "Everything looks perfect!"
YAY!! No obstructions or damage to these fallopian tubes! She said this is not our problem in ttc. Which is a huge relief considering the only way to repair those types of problems is with surgery.
Now, here I sit back at home with my cup of coffee with no pain at all!!
Thank you everyone for all of your prayers. I have gotten so many encouraging texts and notes, and I can truly feels your prayers. We have been so blessed to have our friends and family on this journey with us to offer comfort, encouragement, and shoulders to cry on and want to thank each and every one of you for your support and love.
God is truly teaching us what it means to be still and to find thanks in all cricumstances, so here are just a few things that I'm thankful for.
"Thank you heavenly Father that my proceedure went well today. Thank you that I'm not in any pain! Thank you that my wonderful husband was able to come with me this morning. Thank you for Lisa; for her patience, kindness, and understanding.Thank you for providing for us. Thank you for our friends and family who are always looking for ways to love and encourage us. Thank you for teaching us how to just be and how to find joy in our circumstances.Thank you for all of the children you've put in my life that I get to love and spoil. Thank you for the beautiful weather. Thank you for my cup of coffee. AndThank you that I have the rest of the day to relax and enjoy all of Your abundant blessings."
Friday, April 27, 2012
The Next 2 Weeks
The next two weeks are going to be pretty busy at our house.
Thursday, April 3 - HSG
Monday, April 7 - Ultrasound
Wednesday, April 9 - Consult with Dr. D
And sometime before all of those happen we need to do the SA and bloodwork.
The other bummer, is that all three of those things are happening before 8:00 in the morning! And I am so not a morning person! Oh well, at least they were able to get me in quickly.
When I got AF this month I thought I'd be ready for it. I knew it was coming, but when I did, I felt more devastated than any other month. I was hoping we'd be pregnant and could avoid the tests and procedures; and when I got AF I felt like that was it. We'd never be able to get pregnant on our own.
I realize that this isn't necessarily true, but it certainly feels like it. As excited and anxious as I am to be moving forward, I'm devastated that we weren't able to do it our own. As usual, I'm a mix of emotions from both ends of the spectrum.
To top it all off, we had to prepay for the HSG and we completely forgot to go to the seminar to get our voucher for the free appointment. Now we're out more than $600 and we haven't even had any testing yet. I realize that babies are expensive, but seriously... Anyone out there who was able to conceive naturally, do not complain to me about how expensive your child/children are. You are talking to the wrong person! I'm not even pregnant and the bills are adding up.
On a happier note, our "nieces" are coming to stay the night tonight! They are 2 and 7 months; and they've stolen our hearts! We are so excited to spend the next two days with them!
B&B
Thursday, April 3 - HSG
Monday, April 7 - Ultrasound
Wednesday, April 9 - Consult with Dr. D
And sometime before all of those happen we need to do the SA and bloodwork.
The other bummer, is that all three of those things are happening before 8:00 in the morning! And I am so not a morning person! Oh well, at least they were able to get me in quickly.
When I got AF this month I thought I'd be ready for it. I knew it was coming, but when I did, I felt more devastated than any other month. I was hoping we'd be pregnant and could avoid the tests and procedures; and when I got AF I felt like that was it. We'd never be able to get pregnant on our own.
I realize that this isn't necessarily true, but it certainly feels like it. As excited and anxious as I am to be moving forward, I'm devastated that we weren't able to do it our own. As usual, I'm a mix of emotions from both ends of the spectrum.
To top it all off, we had to prepay for the HSG and we completely forgot to go to the seminar to get our voucher for the free appointment. Now we're out more than $600 and we haven't even had any testing yet. I realize that babies are expensive, but seriously... Anyone out there who was able to conceive naturally, do not complain to me about how expensive your child/children are. You are talking to the wrong person! I'm not even pregnant and the bills are adding up.
On a happier note, our "nieces" are coming to stay the night tonight! They are 2 and 7 months; and they've stolen our hearts! We are so excited to spend the next two days with them!
B&B
Friday, April 20, 2012
The Appointment We've Been Waiting For
Bob and I are both feeling very overwhelmed after our appointment. The Dr. and staff were very kind and friendly, but it's a lot of information to take in (and it was way to early in the morning for us!)
When we first arrived, we met with one of the residents to do a full health history on both of us. After our history was taken, we were taken to Dr. D's office to go over the "results" and his recommendations. He said, based on the fact that we're both healthy and have no known underlying issues, there are three possible causes for us having issues getting pregnant: 1) poor egg quality 2) Low sperm count/poor sperm motility, or 3) blockage/deformity of fallopian tubes. He's confident that there's no issue with actual ovulation, as I've tracked that previously.
So, pretty much, no answers, but at least we now have a direction. Here's what the next 1-3 weeks look like for us:
1) Bloodwork to check prolactin and TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone).
2) SA (Semen Analysis).
3) HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) - basically, this is an x-ray that uses dye to look at the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there's no obstruction. This will happen sometime between cycle days 5-10. And yes, it will probably hurt like the dickens! I need to be on an antibiotic and pain meds prior to going in.
4) Ultrasound - This will happen on cycle day 13 or 14 to make sure that my eggs are developing normally and to establish "normal" ovulation.
5) Consultation to review all test results and determine the best course of treatment.
It was overwhelming to be told the amount of tests we have to do in the next week or two, but I'm glad that they're willing to move quickly. I was also relieved that they didn't once question the fact that we want to move forward with testing. So many people (doctors included) have told us to "just relax" or that we "haven't been trying long enough." And, while neither of us want there to be a problem, I'm glad to know Dr. D agreed that there's probablay an issue.
The next problem to tackle the cost of all of these tests. Unfortunately, based on the research I've done so far, our insurance doesn't cover the cost of any fertility treatments. The appointment today was $240; thankfully they offer a voucher for a free first appointment if you attend their free seminar. So, we haven't had to pay anything yet. But it's looking this the tests alone are going to cause our bank account to dwindle.
1) SA - $150
2) HSG - $400-$700
3) Ultrasound - average $500
It's possible that some of the proceedures will be covered, depending on diagnosis used. We have to continue to look into the costs, but we'd certainly appreciate prayers in this particular aread. We don't want to become consumed with the money, but it's definitely a concern.
Thank you to each and everyone of you that has commented, facebooked, emailed and left messages of encouragement. It's so encouraging to know that our family and friends are praying for us and are walking through this with us.
We'll continue to keep you updated as things progress.
B&B
When we first arrived, we met with one of the residents to do a full health history on both of us. After our history was taken, we were taken to Dr. D's office to go over the "results" and his recommendations. He said, based on the fact that we're both healthy and have no known underlying issues, there are three possible causes for us having issues getting pregnant: 1) poor egg quality 2) Low sperm count/poor sperm motility, or 3) blockage/deformity of fallopian tubes. He's confident that there's no issue with actual ovulation, as I've tracked that previously.
So, pretty much, no answers, but at least we now have a direction. Here's what the next 1-3 weeks look like for us:
1) Bloodwork to check prolactin and TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone).
2) SA (Semen Analysis).
3) HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) - basically, this is an x-ray that uses dye to look at the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there's no obstruction. This will happen sometime between cycle days 5-10. And yes, it will probably hurt like the dickens! I need to be on an antibiotic and pain meds prior to going in.
4) Ultrasound - This will happen on cycle day 13 or 14 to make sure that my eggs are developing normally and to establish "normal" ovulation.
5) Consultation to review all test results and determine the best course of treatment.
It was overwhelming to be told the amount of tests we have to do in the next week or two, but I'm glad that they're willing to move quickly. I was also relieved that they didn't once question the fact that we want to move forward with testing. So many people (doctors included) have told us to "just relax" or that we "haven't been trying long enough." And, while neither of us want there to be a problem, I'm glad to know Dr. D agreed that there's probablay an issue.
The next problem to tackle the cost of all of these tests. Unfortunately, based on the research I've done so far, our insurance doesn't cover the cost of any fertility treatments. The appointment today was $240; thankfully they offer a voucher for a free first appointment if you attend their free seminar. So, we haven't had to pay anything yet. But it's looking this the tests alone are going to cause our bank account to dwindle.
1) SA - $150
2) HSG - $400-$700
3) Ultrasound - average $500
It's possible that some of the proceedures will be covered, depending on diagnosis used. We have to continue to look into the costs, but we'd certainly appreciate prayers in this particular aread. We don't want to become consumed with the money, but it's definitely a concern.
Thank you to each and everyone of you that has commented, facebooked, emailed and left messages of encouragement. It's so encouraging to know that our family and friends are praying for us and are walking through this with us.
We'll continue to keep you updated as things progress.
B&B
Friday, April 13, 2012
One Week
Well, our appointment is one week away. Right now I'm feeling a mix of fear and excitement.
I'm anxious to move to the next step of starting our family; what that means... I have no idea. From the research I've done, the first appointment with the RE is a really long review of our health history. I think they also order testing, but I'm not sure. The not knowing what to expect adds to my fear of going.
Right now I'm truly just a big pile of mixed emotions. Part of me hopes they find "something" to explain why we're not getting pregnant; not because I want there to be a problem, but because I've found the worst thing about any health issue is when the doctor looks at you and says, "I don't know why."
On the other hand, it'd be really nice if the doctor said, "everything is perfectly normal." It'd be nice to know we haven't been trying for the last 7 1/2 months only to find out that we never would have been able to get pregnant on our own.
Ideally, we'll walk in, they'll do some initially testing and say, "you don't need to be here, you're already pregnant!" (Not likely!)
B and I have been in this together, 100% since we started ttc. I know he wants a baby as much as I do; but yesterday, for the first time, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, "I really just want to be a daddy."
It almost broke my heart. It made me happy to know that he wants to raise a child with me. But what if I can't give him that?
this next part I say with all respect; Please don't ask or say anything about adoption.
Adoption is an incredible thing! I have no opposition to it whatsoever, and the parents who do it are amazing. But, Bob and I are not there yet. In all honesty, I want my own baby. A baby with Bob's blue/green eyes, and my dimples. Adoption is a process. Not just in the sense of the amount of preparation, money, and paperwork. But, especially for people who are having trouble conceiving, it is part of a process of grief. In order for Bob and I to move towards adoption, we'd have to mourn and grieve the possibility of having our own child. We'd have to be willing to move beyond that longing and change our focus. If we do adopt someday, I know we would love that child just as if I'd carried him/her in my womb. But we're just not there yet.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone. That certainly isn't my intention, and I don't mean to be insensitive. But when I tell people we're having difficulty conceiving, they often respond with, "well, couldn't you just adopt?" And while their intentions are good, it hurts. Adoption should never be a "just." I believe it's a calling. Something God calls you to do as a parent. And we don't feel that calling; at least not yet.
I'm anxious to move to the next step of starting our family; what that means... I have no idea. From the research I've done, the first appointment with the RE is a really long review of our health history. I think they also order testing, but I'm not sure. The not knowing what to expect adds to my fear of going.
Right now I'm truly just a big pile of mixed emotions. Part of me hopes they find "something" to explain why we're not getting pregnant; not because I want there to be a problem, but because I've found the worst thing about any health issue is when the doctor looks at you and says, "I don't know why."
On the other hand, it'd be really nice if the doctor said, "everything is perfectly normal." It'd be nice to know we haven't been trying for the last 7 1/2 months only to find out that we never would have been able to get pregnant on our own.
Ideally, we'll walk in, they'll do some initially testing and say, "you don't need to be here, you're already pregnant!" (Not likely!)
B and I have been in this together, 100% since we started ttc. I know he wants a baby as much as I do; but yesterday, for the first time, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, "I really just want to be a daddy."
It almost broke my heart. It made me happy to know that he wants to raise a child with me. But what if I can't give him that?
this next part I say with all respect; Please don't ask or say anything about adoption.
Adoption is an incredible thing! I have no opposition to it whatsoever, and the parents who do it are amazing. But, Bob and I are not there yet. In all honesty, I want my own baby. A baby with Bob's blue/green eyes, and my dimples. Adoption is a process. Not just in the sense of the amount of preparation, money, and paperwork. But, especially for people who are having trouble conceiving, it is part of a process of grief. In order for Bob and I to move towards adoption, we'd have to mourn and grieve the possibility of having our own child. We'd have to be willing to move beyond that longing and change our focus. If we do adopt someday, I know we would love that child just as if I'd carried him/her in my womb. But we're just not there yet.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone. That certainly isn't my intention, and I don't mean to be insensitive. But when I tell people we're having difficulty conceiving, they often respond with, "well, couldn't you just adopt?" And while their intentions are good, it hurts. Adoption should never be a "just." I believe it's a calling. Something God calls you to do as a parent. And we don't feel that calling; at least not yet.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Home Again
Going away for a few days was definitely the right decision! It was so nice to get away from the routine and go at a slower pace. We drove down to Michigan City and went shopping and just hung out at the hotel. It was the first time Bob and I have had fun together in a while.
Unfortunately, Bob woke up Saturday morning with the stomach flu (coming out of both ends :( So we headed home early. He was such a champ on the way home. We had to stop 5-6 times for him, but he never complained about it. Saturday, Sunday, and now today have been spent with him on the couch. Thankfully the rest of us haven't gotten sick!
If you've never been to Michigan City, IN, they have a very nice outlet mall! But for those of us that aren't teeny-boppers, spring and summer clothing shopping isn't exactly fun; so Beth and I shopped for our husbands and homes instead :) We also went to the casino on Friday night. (Please don't post comments about how awful casinos are. We chose to spend our entertainment money on a casino instead of a movie, and we don't have an addiction.)
Despite Bob being sick, we came home feeling refreshed and re-energized with a renewed sense of hope. Life doesn't seem quite so terrible. And we were able to enjoy where we are in life. That doesn't stop the yearning and longing for a baby, but it helps to know that even if it never happens, we are incredibly blessed and God has already given us so much. I'm choosing to be thankful for what I do have, instead of resentful over what I don't have.
My wonderful sister-in-law sent me an email recently to encourage me. And she reminded me of how important being thankful is. She said, "Satan likes to keep us spiraling downward in these moments of defeat. He wants us to pity ourselves and feel justified in doing it, but the truth is we really do have more to be thankful for than not. Once we start thanking God, Satan loses his grip. When you feel down, look up. Look into the face of your Savior and thank Him for anything albeit as small as "thank you for my fuzzy socks", whatever comes to mind thank Him for it. Thankfulness is a powerful tool."
So Heavenly Father, thank you for my wonderful husband, my loving family, and my dear friends. Thank you for sunshine and the wild turkey's in my backyard. Thank you for my sweat pants and peanut butter cups. And thank you for being You! For being in control and knowing the bigger picture. For loving me when I'm unlovable and holding my future in the palm of Your hand. Thank You for giving me hope and for carrying me through these trials.
Unfortunately, Bob woke up Saturday morning with the stomach flu (coming out of both ends :( So we headed home early. He was such a champ on the way home. We had to stop 5-6 times for him, but he never complained about it. Saturday, Sunday, and now today have been spent with him on the couch. Thankfully the rest of us haven't gotten sick!
If you've never been to Michigan City, IN, they have a very nice outlet mall! But for those of us that aren't teeny-boppers, spring and summer clothing shopping isn't exactly fun; so Beth and I shopped for our husbands and homes instead :) We also went to the casino on Friday night. (Please don't post comments about how awful casinos are. We chose to spend our entertainment money on a casino instead of a movie, and we don't have an addiction.)
Despite Bob being sick, we came home feeling refreshed and re-energized with a renewed sense of hope. Life doesn't seem quite so terrible. And we were able to enjoy where we are in life. That doesn't stop the yearning and longing for a baby, but it helps to know that even if it never happens, we are incredibly blessed and God has already given us so much. I'm choosing to be thankful for what I do have, instead of resentful over what I don't have.
My wonderful sister-in-law sent me an email recently to encourage me. And she reminded me of how important being thankful is. She said, "Satan likes to keep us spiraling downward in these moments of defeat. He wants us to pity ourselves and feel justified in doing it, but the truth is we really do have more to be thankful for than not. Once we start thanking God, Satan loses his grip. When you feel down, look up. Look into the face of your Savior and thank Him for anything albeit as small as "thank you for my fuzzy socks", whatever comes to mind thank Him for it. Thankfulness is a powerful tool."
So Heavenly Father, thank you for my wonderful husband, my loving family, and my dear friends. Thank you for sunshine and the wild turkey's in my backyard. Thank you for my sweat pants and peanut butter cups. And thank you for being You! For being in control and knowing the bigger picture. For loving me when I'm unlovable and holding my future in the palm of Your hand. Thank You for giving me hope and for carrying me through these trials.
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